Tag Archives: panic disorder

Blue Skies – Haiku My Heart

longing for the clouds,
she stares at the bare blue skies,
heart beats quick, searching…

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Yes, I agree, blue skies are beautiful, but I prefer the clouds for some reason.  Why is that?  I dwelt on that thought for a while and this other thought came up.  Blue skies remind me of the agoraphobia I use to experience when my panic disorder was at its worse.  I preferred sitting or standing close to a door or exit for fear of having a panic attack and feeling confused, out of control, and frozen in fear not knowing exactly how to escape or find comfort around me.  That rarely happens anymore, but the wide blue space in the sky, without the comfort of the clouds reminds me of that feeling of being in an open crowded space and not having a way to escape or find comfort and feeling a state of panic.  Today, I’m able to be in a crowded open space and it doesn’t bother me too much.  Similarly, the blue sky doesn’t really bother me, and I can appreciate it, but I still remember the missing clouds.

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Haiku My Heart at Recuerda Mi Corazon

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Haiku Heights – Crescendo

 

chatter crescendos,
her courage decrescendos–
ear buds to the ears…

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I felt very much down this past Saturday. Looking back, I can see why. I came very close to having a panic attack Saturday morning while I waited for my son to get out of his swim class.  It was his second session.  The first session last Saturday went great for him and I calmly read while I waited.  But this week turned out different.  I was sitting calmly reading and suddenly there were at least three different conversations going on in the same waiting room. The cacophony of voices touched a bundle of nerves in me.  And I started getting anxious and confused.  Reaching for my ear buds and the music in my iPod was the best way to sooth my nerves

Somehow, I thought anything close to a panic attack was gone from my life before this incident.  I really should know better than that by now.  I guess I forgot that this happens with anxiety. It tends to rear its ugly head when I least expect it, but I’ll be okay.  It’s not the end of the world. It has happened before.  The only reason I felt so sad and upset is because I’ve made so much progress in the past months with my anxiety.  I’ll get a little nervous here and there, but I haven’t felt the trapped, confused feeling in a long time.  All I needed was some rest, quiet time, and to remind myself to remember to breath, relax, and have faith that it’ll be alright.  Good thing it was the weekend.  I’m a sensitive, caring person that sometimes gets anxious, but not as frequently as before. There, writing it down makes me feel better about the anxiety episode.  Now, before this next Saturday swim class, I need to remember…

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“Accept all strange sensations connected with your illness. Do not fight them. Float past them. Recognize that they are temporary.”
Claire Weekes, Hope & Help For Your Nerves

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